By: Dr. Taryn Deane
I study health as it relates to sexuality and the difference between those who are in tune with their desire and those who aren’t. I’ve been curious to find out exactly how this relates back to symptoms that may be popping up, for me and my patients.
There is no topic that exists with as great an inherent duality as that of sexuality.
Sex is the only way that you & I are here right now. Sex is creation. Sex is what connects us all. Sex is a natural urge. We are designed for sex.
And yet, it’s wrong to talk about it. Shame and sexuality go hand-in-hand (and not in a good way). Desire, on the other hand, feels a little easier to grasp.
We are desire. It is the essence of the human Soul, the secret of our
existence. Absolutely nothing of human greatness is ever accomplished
without it. Not a symphony has been written, a mountain climbed, an
injustice fought, or a love sustained apart from desire. Desire fuels our
search for the life we prize.
—John Eldridge
COMMON SEXUAL DESIRE CONCERNS:
Can’t Orgasm – aka. anorgasmia – thought to occur in about 10% of women. Primary or secondary. Global or situational. 1/3 experience orgasm regularly during intercourse, 1/3 can reach orgasm with intercourse but need extra stimulation. 1/3 never by orgasm but can manual or oral.
Low Sex Drive – the excuses often hear are: I’m tired, no time, annoyed/irritated, just don’t want to, I don’t feel well, I’m not into it, not today, maybe tomorrow.
or having a partner who has low sex drive or can’t orgasm – often much more difficult to handle as this is a sensitive topic, not so easy to bring up casually.
KEY FACTORS:
Numerous! Today I want to focus on what we CAN control and that is ourselves and our perception of our environment (not so much the environment itself ie. society and it’s effed up views on sex).
Religion is great. I was actually raised catholic and I think there’s a lot of beauty that exists in the church still. But let’s be real here. It hasn’t really been doing much for the promotion of healthy sexuality (bans on birth control and abortion, only teaching about strict abstinence, child rape, all rooted in guilt and shame).
The reality is, it really only comes down to one thing, which luckily is malleable:
YOU
Why do you want what you want? What does that say about you? Is it okay to want what you want, especially when it comes to sex?
I recently learned a term that I’m in love with. Sexual Fluidity is taking gender and sexual preference out of the equation and loving another human being for the sake of love itself.
A big proponent of this idea is the genius, Miley Cyrus, who has been quoted to say: “I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn’t involve an animal and everyone is of age.”
In the end, whatever you want is right.
This begs the question, how do you love yourself despite your labels, circumstance, history or all the things that could and will happen to you to make you question your worth and ability to receive utter and complete pleasure?
We are all capable.
It is in fact, innate. We were that way as a child – so what happened?!
Well, our environment did. The pressures that come with conforming to society’s expectations of you as an individual, or more often, you as a recognizable label. We like to group and name. The problem is, we’re multifaceted and constantly adapting.
We can buffer our response to our surroundings by building up self-love, feeding it, instead of self-loathing. This bubble is precisely what makes you resilient.
And what better way to engage in self-love then regular, high quality orgasms?
Here are some tips to get you there:
1. Let Go – be present, forget about the to-do list
2. Lead the Way – focus on turning them on, get excited about it
3. Love Yourself – do what makes you feel sexy (nice panties, do your hair up nice, etc.)
4. Lubricate – coconut oil, saliva, oral sex (sex is not fun for anyone without wetness)
5. Listen Up – sexy music, moans
6. Look at Erotica – read or watch others getting it on (movies, porn clips, literature)
7. Let Them In – open up, share something that makes you feel vulnerable
8. Loosen Up – have a drink, exercise, meditate, experiment with marijuana (for many women cannabis can fast track all of the above steps to create a space where desire is welcome)
Give them a try! Let us know how it goes.
Desire is a teacher: When we immerse ourselves in it without guilt, shame,
or clinging, it can show us something special about our own minds that
allows us to embrace life fully.
—Mark Epstein, Open to Desire
