By Annie Purpura
Coco Loko is essentially a raw cacao snuff and the newest member of Orlando-based supplement company, Legal Lean. According to the Washington Post, 29-year old Legal Lean founder Nick Anderson first heard of the “chocolate snuff trend” in Europe a few months back and decided to do our kids all a favor and bring it to America. The effects of the cacao-based powder, he said, last about 30 minutes to an hour, and are “almost like an energy-drink feeling, like you’re euphoric but also motivated to get things done.” The FDA has yet to rule out if snorting chocolate is potentially harmful or not, but Sinus specialist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City, Dr. Jordan Josephson claims ‘’snorting chocolate powder is not safe, because the powder is perceived by the nose as a foreign toxic substance.”
I took it upon myself to give it a shot because I really will try anything once. I was so excited to prove how idiotic this idea was that I knew I had no time to spare on shipping and handling… So I made my own. You too can make your own with these two simple ingredients: Raw, Organic Cacao Nibs and two 12oz Monster Energy Extra Strength drink in flavor ‘Anti-Gravity.”
A couple weeks ago I was visiting a few friends in New Orleans. It was hot, the kind of hot that feels like it’s slapping you back and forth in the goddamn face. It was Tuesday, and naturally, I could think of no greater a time to snort something stupid up my nose. I poured out a few nibs, and cut that sh*t up so fine, as if it was Fish-Scale straight off the cartels back. After I had a decent size line of Nesquik racked up, I tried a few practice shotguns on the Monster tall can. After a few attempts, I reckoned with my lack of thumb strength and used my keys to rip a hole in the bottom of the first can. I remember feeling really disappointed in myself, but secretly I was a little excited. I mean, who doesn’t like euphoria?
This ended up being the exact opposite. You probably haven’t ever snorted raw cacao because you wouldn’t be reading this if you have… since I told you in the title I did it, so you didn’t have to, but if you have, it burns. I could only muster up the strength to do a little under half of the line without wincing and pinching the soft part of the nose below the bone as hard as I could, because it’s the only comfort I could find. The only experience I can compare this to is when I snorted meth on accident. ON ACCIDENT! That sh*t hurts. Anyways, as if that wasn’t enough, shot gunning an entire tall can of Monster is f*cking disgusting and doing a second immediately after is something I don’t recommend ever. Just don’t even drink it at all. One time I saw a dude in a Von Dutch hat and Crocs beer bong eight Monster energy drinks, they weren’t extra strength though (rolls eyes). I wonder what happened to that guy? I bet he sells fidget spinners at the mall and definitely snorts meth but ONLY on purpose.
I sat, confused on what exactly I just did, and after about 5 minutes a rush of paranoia came to my head. I immediately started getting sweaty and thought I was going to end up dying like that girl who shot up turmeric. True story. I realized I was hot because it was 109 degrees outside at 10 pm and I had so much Taurine and Caffeine in my body at the moment that it felt like I was on PCP again. I admit, there was a rush, but I cannot call if it had anything to do with the cacao or the two cans of poison that I just ingested. I should also add that I have a mild sensitivity to caffeine and my elevated heart rate tripped my anxiety buttons. The effects lasted a little under 30 minutes, and I was happy to see them go. I never felt motivated to clean the house or anything like Anderson claimed. To be honest, all I got was hot and panicky. Legal Lean aka “black out in a can” and Coco Loko are good alternatives to hard and highly addictive substances that bring out similar claimed euphoric effects. If you are looking for a wild time though, may I suggest searching eBay for an original Four Loko you know, before they took all the cool sh*t out of it. Also, for another good time, please peruse the Legal Lean press page, where you can watch YouTube customer reviews. My personal favorite being the one of the man who, looking back at it now, I’m pretty sure I bought Ganja Goo Balls off of at a Phish show once in 2008. He gives a pretty solid review in what looks to be the quality of his Mother’s laundry room. Good luck trying to figure out what the hell he’s saying though!