How to Not Cry At A Party (And How To Cope When You Inevitably Do)

By: Erinn Kovar


   Here you are, crying into your bottle of Miller High Life and wiping your nose on a friend of a friend’s discarded jacket sleeve. Weigh your options carefully. If you get an Uber now, you might not have the opportunity for a stranger to ask you if you are alright before accidentally burning your arm with their cigarette.

You have been here before many times. You are an effortless expert at this, but there are a time and place for everything, and maybe it’s the time and place to try becoming a healthy, functioning adult.

   You may be crying for any number of reasons: a photo of a small animal, a video of a senior citizen meeting a small animal, an ex-boyfriend, an ex-crush, an ex-crush you imagined was your boyfriend, the fact that you are at a party instead of doing the copious amount of work you were supposed to do two weeks ago, your entire life, etc. Nine times out of ten it will be the small animal thing.

   The sober adult inside of you is going to scream at you for crying.  The drunk adult, the current adult, will slap the face of sober-adult-you and say “Fuck you, bitch! I am just deeply in touch with my emotions.” Avoid saying this out loud.

   Find the cat or dog that lives at the house you are at. There is a 50% chance that this will make you cry also, but the other 50% means laughter and hugs and telling the animal how cute it is in a register of your voice humans shouldn’t be able to hear.

   Pet the animal until their hair is permanently glued to your black sweater, black pants, black hat, black shoes.

   DON’T bring up feelings to the boy you shared a bed with all summer. It is important to leave feelings out of it because this is a party and you are here to have fun and be saturated with shitty beer and the occasional drug or two.  The summer boy is going to think you are way more insane than he thought before, during the whole ramen noodle incident.

   DO surround yourself with friends. It is ok that your friend has her boyfriend with her because she is happy and you are glad for her, and she did not bring him here to upset you or taunt you about the fact that your love life is non-existent at best.

   Try not thinking about things that made you laugh very hard in the past because chances are, once you start laughing you will be saddened by the fact that the moment you are thinking of no longer exists and you are, in fact, crying in front of a room full of people in the present moment.  

   In the event that it is a night when your tear ducts are particularly eruptive, and there is no way in hell you are waiting in line to hide in the bathroom, well you are just going to have to deal with the fact that you are, in fact, a bitch who is deeply in touch with your emotions.